Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
