hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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