hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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