Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
