I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
