I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
When did angry sex become our thing?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
