Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
