so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
