how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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