My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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