we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
