you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
