i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
