so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
