Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
