i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
