This is not my ceiling
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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