Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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