I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
