Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
