i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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