Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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