I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
