If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
