I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
