we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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