My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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