My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
