There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
