it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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