FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
