Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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