We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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