So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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