so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
