Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
