OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
