What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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