if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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