Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
