I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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