worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
