My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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