John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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