If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
