I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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