Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
