the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i can't believe i had my finger in that
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
