Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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