I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
